Joy

Joy
Don’t look to me for Joy
I have none
On my own I have nothing but
bitterness, disappointment,
pain and brokenness
in my heart
So you might ask
how did I get this smile
on my face
Well I would tell you
right off
Anything good in my life
is from Jesus
not from me
I know from trying
I know how big of a mess
I can make of my life
I can pick
the wrong girl
the wrong kind of love
the wrong way
to deal with the pain
that comes after
So after many years
of trying
and hurting
I gave up
I finally gave control
to someone else
to Jesus
for everything
And man did he ever come through
He gave me the right girl
to show me
unconditional Love
three little ones
to show me
the Love of a father
He gave me a new life
and a way of living
without the pain
a way of trusting Him
to supply all my needs
That’s where my joy comes from
That’s where my smile comes from
Without Him I can do nothing
With Him I can do anything
Thank you, Jesus

5/27/08

The Last Time I Saw My Parents

The Last Time I Saw My Parents
was when they flew my new bride
and my son out to Oregon to see their new house.
It was strange seeing all the same things
but in a new house.
Like the outside thermometer
that use to read the swelter heat of South Texas
now reading the cool afternoons of Northern Oregon.
It was just kind of weird, sort of all out of place.

A small drop of blood

A small drop of blood
flowing from the hole in your hand
where the nail had pierced you
as they had placed you on the cross
A small drop of blood
that you gave willingly for me
The pain must of been unbearable
but you withstood it
for me

The shame
to be blameless and yet condemn as a criminal
must of been immense
And yet you bore it for me
This is not something that I had asked you to do
yet you did it
This is not something that I even wanted
The free gift of your blood
to cleanse me
to purify me
I was comfortable in my sin
we had a working understanding
my sin and I
And then you came along
with your blood
your salvation
your Love
"But Lord I'm a sinful man,
keep away from me"
I screamed

But you wouldn't leave me alone
You kept pursuing me
I kept showing you
my unworthiness
You kept showing me
your love and mercy
I kept telling you after each fall
my back turn towards you
running once again to the sin
that I loved more than you
" Look, I told you that I wasn't worth it.
You shouldn't of done it in the first place.
You were a fool to pay so high a price
for me"

And you just held me in your arms again
Telling me that no matter
what I had done or will do
that you Loved me
and that you would never leave me
But why me?
Why not someone more deserving
Someone who could live a life worthy of your gift
And you just whisper to me
"No I wanted You,
I did it all just for you alone"

Oh Lord I love you so much
that I wish I could be a better disciple of yours
The sin that use to comforted me
now gives me no satisfaction at all
and I now hate it with all my being
The world that I use to love
now is a waste land without you
But I am still so very flawed
and I know I will disappoint you again and again
I still can't live this Life
the way I know you would want me to
And you just hold me even closer
telling me it's all going to be okay
Just trust in you
I still don't understand it
but now I can do nothing else

Robert 5/9/2001

A Tear

A Tear
a glistening little drop of salt water.
Slowly moving down a dirty cheek
mixing with the blood that is also there
Blood that's coming from the swollen and bruise spots
where a fist had made contact.
A Tear
not emitting from a feeling of pain
but rather from a feeling of being alone.
Alone for the first time in his life.
No longer feeling the link
with the other.
Now totally alone
totally separate.
For the first time in his Life feeling
total despair,
as he tries to hold down a scream
that's waiting at the top of his barely functioning lungs
Not daring to vocalize the despair
out of a sense of shame.
Not wanting to doubt the reason that he was here.
But the pain is so great
more that a man should ever bear
The pain by itself he could of handled
he could of just tuff it out,
but the loneliness
that was different
that was causing a weakness
that was causing him to lose his grip on himself
straining
trying to hold it together
but losing the fight
and at one inopportune moment
the scream comes bursting forth
"My God, My God why have you forsaken me?"

Robert 5/4/2001

Good Morning, sleepy afternoon, a train of thought

Yea,
wasting away little moments of time,
to ponder and dream about something yet to be
and for all we know,
might not be ordained
to happen in this life time.
Some times I get the feeling,
that I'm living most of my life in a half dream state.
Only every once and a while
waking to notices my surroundings,
just checking that I hadn't drifted too far from
His perfect will in my life.
Then back to dreaming,
ever searching to find that current
that He has placed in my life to carry me toward Him.
Sometime I think it's better just to feel my way
blindly through this life dreamily,
then to walk through the world
with eyes wide open
noticing all my brokenness
and the brokenness of this world
surrounding me,
I'll rather be always half dreaming,
of Him

Robert 01

A way to past the time, Daybreak

Daybreak,
sitting on this huge piece of rock,
high up on this mountain than you have place me on,
waiting,
watching as your light
chases away the mist
from the fingers of the green valleys
that were created
when you place this mount here.
The dawn today is so crisp and clear,
your new light evaporating the cobwebs of sleep,
doubt and despair found in my head,
I look at your creation and marvel at the work of your hand,
drawing me deeper into your being,
your love,
your grace,
your peace.

remembering Mt Tam
Robert 05

South San Antonio Afternoon

Sitting in my truck on a hot South San Antonio afternoon,
watching a bird playing among the grave stones.
My grandfather's buried out here somewhere,
so is a niece that I never meet.
She would be the same age as my son is now,
had she lived,
more then those first few weeks.
A tear,
A prayer,
Jesus hold on to her,
Heal the hole left behind by her passing.
I place a toy that my son had lost in the cab of the truck,
next to her grave stone.
Find some wild flowers for the empty cup holder.
It's just her empty shell
that's here now
I can see her sitting in your lap Jesus,
laughing in your arms
spread lovingly around her.
Departed one
I wish you could of played with your cousin,
born a week apart
I think you two would have been close.
A tear,
A prayer,
Is it wrong Lord,
to feel so thankful
to feel so much love for the boy right now.
You have shown me so much of your love,
though his innocent little eyes.

for Olivia
Robert 97